Autobiography
IORI KIKUCHI
Chapter 1 Everlasting Memories
I suppose it is a kind of nostalgia. Looking back at my past, I realize I have encountered many people. Among them, there are two memories that led me to dedicate myself to the world of expression.
Dear Best Friend
I find the word ‘best’ is difficult to use. It shouldn’t be simply used because I feel it suggest everything but ‘the best’ is inferior. Though I have this kind of relationship with the word, I have someone I regard as my best friend.
Let me call him A here.
I met him when we were five. Now I see the relationship I had with A as the main reason I wanted to become an artist. A already had his dream of becoming an actor when he was three. He was already working as an actor when he was five years old. I loved his physical posture, his sense of justice, and his real sincerity. A became my role model, and the more time I spent with him, the more I realized what I wanted to do with my own life. He inspired me so much that I also wanted to live like him, and pursue my dream from a young age.
Later, however, in the same year that I met him, his family had to move to another city. I was shocked by this news, and then when he actually moved, I became saddened by the reality of this sudden change in my life. I knew that I would miss him terribly, yet after a time, I gave more thought to what his wonderful presence meant to me: having dreams and then pursuing those dreams. He made promises to me that one day we would see each other again; and that he would be a top expressionist or entertainer. Just before he left, he asked me, ‘what is your dream?’ Not being able to answer the question made me feel sad. I was disappointed in myself. Yet, instead of saying, “I do not know,” I told him that, “I want to be like you, someone who is passionate, active, and has lots of energy to fulfill a specific dream, and who makes others have great inspiration too.”
Nevertheless, at that time, neither of us had any email addresses to exchange. I believed that we would meet again in the future, and I still believed this until a short time ago when I turned twenty. I was forced to face the sad fact that I would never hear from him again.
I never heard from A again. After I turned twenty, I had accidentally run into B, A’s best friend. B told me that A was no longer with us in this world. A had died in an accident when he was fourteen and saved B’s life. I couldn’t immediately comprehend what it meant. I was deeply shocked. Looking back on it now, it was probably A who brought B to me. I do not know if it was a coincidence or inevitability, but if this meeting has meaning, if I am destined to have known this painful reality of A, then I will love and cherish the memories I had with him even more. Even as I start to forget them in my old age, time will continue to make the memories even more precious and beautiful in my mind. Somehow, I was going to have to find a reason to live, but it was not going to be easy.
I still look for A, while I am painting, walking, or watching a movie. One teacher once told me, “When you paint, do not just paint alone, but paint as if someone was there with you, and you were talking to him through your painting.” Since then, whenever I am in such a situation, A is always standing in front of me.
I can no longer remember that beautiful face so vividly, and I continue to live in this world. But that radiance and that beauty will live in my heart forever. Today, I express my outpouring of love from my right hand. Someone once said, “Memories are the depth of love. The deeper you love, the more you remember him/her.”
Dear First Fan of My Art
I am going to write about “An Encounter with Someone I Never Met.” I experienced a life that touched me deeply, though I have never actually met her. Still, I “saw” her in a spiritual way and call her X here.
During my last year of junior high school, I visited a school for physically and mentally disabled children for work experience. I partnered with one of the girls I will call Y, and we took a nap class together. This girl, Y, suffered from depression and also had down syndrome. Shortly after we began to attend the class, she said to me bluntly, “Hi, draw something”, and she handed me a piece of paper and a pen. She said, “I’ve never traveled before, so tell me about the world.” At that time, I had only been to Kyoto and Hawaii, so as far as travel is concerned, my scope was limited. I was very interested in such curiosity and was pleased to accommodate her. I drew a picture of my favorite food and also a Buddhist temple. Y looked at my art with a twinkle in her eye. Since this was a nap class, the teachers actually scolded her for annoying me. But the girl said, “I sleep too much every day. So, this is fine for me today to ask this.” Y was considered a very mischievous child.
When my art was done, she asked me, “I want to give this to my friend, X as a present, so draw another one!!” Before I could ask about where her friend, X was, she said, “X was at school last time and now she is at home or hospital. But I’ll be able to see her next time. So, I want to give her this art!” I hurriedly drew it up before the next class. Then I took various classes with her, and my work experience was over.
Later that day, before taking my high school entrance examinations, I sent a thank-you letter to the special school via my junior high school. Later on, I received a letter back. It was from X and Y. It was written in their beautiful handwriting. It says “いおりへ(Dear Iori)” and “げんき え ありがとう(We are fine. Thank you for your Art).” At the end of the letter, there was also included a note from their teachers. It said that “The girl, X that you could not see that day, will not live this life long. But every day, X smiles when she sees your art. She doesn’t know the world, but she’s happy to go on a journey with your art. She is happy that she has a wonderful friend like you. Thank you for your art gift. Good luck with your high school exams.”
I was very happy, but also very scared knowing her illness was quite advanced. Her calligraphy in the letter was so beautiful, and that is why I was horrified. How could this be? Someone so pure and beautiful having her life taken away so young. What evil enables this!
I had never experienced such despair, and I did not know how to respond. In the end, I could not reply. I decided to concentrate on what my task was at the moment. Maybe this was just a way to have self-satisfaction. With that thought in mind, I studied for my exams. But after the exams, I suddenly realized that I did not know if she would be able to last until I reported that I had passed the exams. I decided to just report that I had done my best on the exams, and asked her to send me another letter through school.
The next day, I went to see my junior high school teacher. But it was too late. The teacher was so concerned about me that she hid the sad fact from me. The girl, whose life expectancy was long ago short anyway before my high school exams, had already passed away. She was gone. The chance we had to meet someday also was gone.
We were too far apart in many ways to have had a friendship. I thought of how much she must have struggled so hard to write a nicely written note. I cannot imagine how she managed. The letters we exchanged were very few. But we had a friendship based on this. I sensed it. I knew that she enjoyed my paintings, and felt a connection from the start when she requested that I draw them for her.
On the day of the acceptance announcements from the school I was applying to, I opened the seal of the documents. Among the papers somewhere, was written the word “Accepted.” I wanted to tell this result to the girls X, who I have never met, the most. It was the middle of winter, but it was a clear day. I am sure she was watching over me that day. I was able to accept her thanks for my painting, and I was able to pass the exams for my first school of choice.
The next three years of high school were very fulfilling. I studied abroad twice in France to see the paintings by that object of my utmost admiration, Claude Monet. I became a host family for a student from Chicago, USA, and met my wonderful high school teachers and amazing friends, even people on the street, and many people I met through my paintings. There were too many to count. Then later, I went to college in New York and met even more interesting people.
Every time I meet new people, I want to introduce them to that girl. Whenever I travel or fall in love, or experience something, I want to share this memory with that girl. I always want to relate to as many people as I can, all kinds and types of people. I want to see the world as I never knew it. I am sure that these are the many blessings she has given me.
I am living today at the moment that she wanted to live. I am thankful for this encounter with the spirit of a girl I never had the chance to meet. I do not even remember her name anymore. Honestly, I just love to see you. Rest in peace, the dear first fan of my art.
Memories
What is memory? It would be something you hope to be beautified. Looking back on the past is full of things we do not understand, like imagining the future. It is all things that we have forgotten, to be precise. That is why memories are so mysterious and lovely. No matter how happy, lonely, sad, or lovely they are, we forget them. That is why we want to cherish them. We love it more then. I would like to express myself today in many ways. We want to keep today exactly how it is. And yet we forget. So today is extremely beautiful and lovely in its transience.
If I am able to have children in the future, I want to share a little bit of what I feel and what I have gained with them. And I would get a lot of unexpected things from them. And on top of that, what I would express would be different. I wonder what they would think of me, and the days will fly by in the blink of an eye. I hope to live my life in this way, in a cycle. I would like to write about such days again. From now on, I hope that my fluffy days will be softly piled up and gradually take shape again.